The one tip childless couples need to surviving the summer season.

It’s nearly summer again, folks. And we’re experiencing a bit of a baby boom in our little social group, as friend after friend is either expecting or taking care of a brand-new baby. I’m not gonna lie: I think it’s awesome. I’m already affectionately known as “Crazy Aunt Geraldine.” And that makes me incredibly happy. But when the issue of Rand and I procreating comes up, well … I don’t quite know how to answer.  I know I should have some coherent, well-thought-out responses. About our lives, our intentions, our future (you know: stuff that isn’t anyone else’s business). With the summer holidays nearing, and family get-togethers, weddings, and visits on the way, I suspect we’re going to get asked the baby question more and more. So I’ve come up with a fantastic solution for myself and anyone in my situation.

Just take somebody else’s kid and pretend it’s yours.

It’s actually pretty simple, and I guarantee one of two results: the asker will either believe you, thus ceasing any further awkward lines of questioning, or they’ll realize you’re lying, will probably deem you emotionally unstable, and try to get away from you as soon as possible, thus ceasing any further awkward lines of questioning. In either situation, it’s a win! Of course, the issue becomes, how does one pull it off? It’s easy:

1. Find a child. Make it that of a close relative or a friend, since they’re more familiar with your sense of humor and less likely to press charges (you should really get their permission first, though). Bonus if the kid actually looks like you. Most of the time, though, it won’t. Be prepared for this: If someone asks if “your” child is adopted (because, say, you and your hubby look Jewish/Eastern European and the kid is clearly Aborigine) just act offended and respond, “DOES IT MATTER?” This will usually shut people up.
   –
   

   "Psst! Nobody's buying it! Tell them they're racist so they don't blow our cover!"

2. Or even better, find a baby! Babies are perfect, because they can’t testify against you. Also, it’s more realistic to show up with a baby, than, say, a 12-year-old. At that point, people start asking too many questions. With a baby, it’s just, “HEY! CUTE! A BABY! NO NEED TO ASK WHERE YOU GOT IT FROM!”
   –
   

   "Hmm ... yeah. Bald head, apple cheeks. Yeah, she might work."

   –

3. If the kid can talk, try to get them to call you “Mom” or “Dad”. Most kids, unless they’re sociopaths or child actors (which might be redundant), probably won’t be able to pull this off. So if they end up calling you by your first name, and someone else hears, shrug it off. Explain that it’s better than Webster calling his parents “Ma’am” and “Sir”. Seriously, what the hell kind of antebellum bullshit was that?
   –

   
   –

4. Pick a kid who won’t scream and cry when separated from his parents. If you’re at a wedding, and you’ve just borrowed your older cousin’s kids (much to his delight, by the way, since he has quite a few), make sure that they actually want to hang out with you. Bribery is a great tool in these situations.
   –
   
   

   I told him that Rand and I were going to be his new parents, and he started crying. Sheesh. Such a baby.

   –

5. Use disguises. Someone might recognize the child you’re trying to pass off as your own, and that could jeopardize your entire plans. In these cases, it’s always a good idea to disguise the child. My favorite disguises for children are Rhoda Morgenstern, and miscellaneous drag queen.
   –
   

   "Oy, what a meshuganah this one is."

   –

   

   I can't remember if this was supposed to be Rhoda or a drag queen.

   –

6. Do your research. If you’re like me, you probably won’t know what to do with a kid once you’ve acquired one for the purposes of familial deception. You might want to look up what they eat and stuff like that. I’ve interviewed a couple of them, and my understanding is that they like cappuccinos and candy.
   –
   

   I won't lie: this ended badly.

   –
   

7. Swap kids out – no one will notice. If you are going to see the same people at several events, but can’t secure the same fake children for each of these events, don’t worry – just swap them out for another kid. This happens all the time on T.V. shows from season to season, and everyone seems okay with it (See Grace Under Fire‘s Quentin, Fresh Prince‘s Nicky, Growing Pains‘ Chrissy, and most recently Bobby on Mad Men. It also happened twice on Roseanne). If anyone does notice, accuse them of being racist, even if it doesn’t make sense to do so (as I noted earlier, accusations of racism usually shut people up).
   –
   

   Behold, Quentin Kelly #1, the little kid with dark hair on the left ...

   –

   

   And Quentin Kelly #2, who I think came in mid-season, in the plaid shirt at right. If you notice a difference between him and Quentin #1, you're racist.

   –
   

8. Enlist your spouse to help you. Kids can acutely sense good and evil. This is probably why they love my husband. There’s no joke here. He’s just effing awesome.
   –
   

   This is a little sorbet of sweetness in an otherwise evil blog.

   –

9. T.V. is their kryptonite. Some of you might be thinking, “Well, sure, I can find a child to borrow, but what the heck do I do with them, then? What if they get bored after the July Fourth picnic, and their real parents, seeing an opportunity, fled for the Caribbean? What then?” Don’t fear. Just turn on the T.V. They become hypnotized. It’s awesome.
   –
   

   While they are entranced, you can take a nap!

   –

10. Don’t learn anything from the experience. I promise, this post won’t end with some revelation like, “And after a day of pretending to be a mother, she realized, with all her heart, it was what she wanted.” Nope. Sorry. You’re reading the wrong blog. Instead, I implore you to savor the joy that comes from HANDING A CHILD BACK TO HIS OR HER PARENTS. Because even pretend parenting is effing impossible, so I can’t even comprehend what the real thing is like. And I want to tell all my friends who are moms or moms-to-be exactly how incredible I think they are. I don’t know how you do it, but you are all so damn amazing, it makes me break into a cold sweat of ineptitude.
    –
    

    They don't even let you eat in peace. KIDS ARE SUCH JERKS.

    –

    So maybe something was learned after all. But don’t start making a big deal out of it.

P.S. – The child in number 4 is crying because his fishing line broke while he was reeling up a fish. He got over it promptly. I didn’t actually scare him to tears. I mean, I’m evil, but I’m not, like, Karl Rove evil.