Dear Spain, I like you. I truly do. You’re like Italy, but less mafioso-y. I begrudgingly appreciate how entire cities will shut down so that people can take naps. It’s absolute bullshit, and really annoying for tourists, but y’all are like, “FUCK IT! It’s 1pm. Let’s eat paella for 3 hours.” It’s hard not to…
Dear Games of Thrones Obsessed Friend, You know I love you, right? And that I always have? Well, maybe not always. To be honest, when we first met, I sort of found you annoying. But over time, you’ve become someone who I’ve grown to love and tolerate. Someone with whom I can be honest.…
A few weeks ago, I wrote a post addressed to Nestlé about Raisinets. I never directly contacted the company about their crimes against candy. I simply blogged about it, screaming into the ether of the internet like any good lunatic would do. I did not expect Nestlé to actually see my letter. I certainly did not…
Dear Nestlé Corporation, I am writing to you on behalf of my husband, Rand, even though he has disavowed any knowledge of this letter, and refuses to be held accountable for ‘the shit that I do when I am bored.’ But I am certain that he would agree with everything I am about to say. Rand is…
– Dear Alaska Airlines, Hi! It’s me, Geraldine. You might remember me from such notable trips as AA Flight #476, Seattle to L.A. (the one that was so bumpy, NO SNACKS WERE HANDED OUT, which turned out to be not that big a deal because I spent the evening throwing up, anyway) or last month’s…
– I get email. Lots of it. Sometimes, it’s not even meant for me. (A phenomenon that I can’t quite fathom. When people don’t have someone’s email address, do they just guess, and follow it with “@gmail.com”? Do they deduce phone numbers by punching a random series of numbers? Instead of asking where their friends…
To the little blond kid on Alaska Air Flight #232, It seems we’ve gotten off on the wrong foot. I see this as largely your fault, of course. When you saw me quietly sleeping in my chair, you – for reasons that defy logic (Was it curiosity? Thoughtlessness? Demonic possession? I’m leaning towards the latter)…
A message to my bro, on his (AGE REDACTED) birthday; Remember how mom used to make us celebrate our birthdays together on the 14th? – And how we totally hated it? When you put your foot down and declared enough of that – SEPARATE BIRTHDAYS, DAMN IT! – I was completely happy. I didn’t miss…
Last night I penned this: –
Tales of Food, Feminism, and Fury
by Geraldine DeRuiter
Available Now!
In Hardback, e-book, and audiobook from these booksellers:
