As a lifelong pumpkin aficionado, I have a special place in my heart for the baccanalian gourd-fuckfest that is fall. From the end of September until Thanksgiving, I ingest so many orange-hued treats that my farts smell of cinnamon and nutmeg (“They do not.” – my husband, pumpkin hater and fart snob). I remain, for…
There are spans of time in my life that can be characterized by a theme (there was The Beatles Period in the late 90s, The Carey Grant Epoch in the early 2000s, The Age of Veronica Mars not long after that). This may happen on its own – we’ll see recurring motifs or images, or a…
If you live in anywhere along the western seaboard of North America, but particularly in the Pacific Northwest, you’ve probably heard about the massive earthquake that’s going to kill all of us any minute. In preparation, I’ve eaten everything perishable in my fridge while theorizing what will happen in the aftermath of the quake.…
I spent yesterday morning – the better part of two of hours – poking every person I know on Facebook. Every single person on my friends list. The seeds for this idea (the merits of which remain still unclear to me. Was this a social experiment? A prank? A very subtle plea for help?) were planted during…
For the last few weeks, I’ve been searching for two very specific items that I am sure will improve my life in all sorts of unimaginable ways. The first is a skirt. I am having trouble describing it, but it is one of those skirts with an overlay that comes down over the inner layer,…
Last week, I put googly eyes on a bunch of Rand’s stuff around the house, in order to teach him a lesson about … I can’t remember. But I’m sure it was important. Anyway, today he found the last eyebomb. “Someone wants to eat my hair. That’s great. It has googly eyes. I’m so happy.”…
Dear Nestlé Corporation, I am writing to you on behalf of my husband, Rand, even though he has disavowed any knowledge of this letter, and refuses to be held accountable for ‘the shit that I do when I am bored.’ But I am certain that he would agree with everything I am about to say. Rand is…
Someone once told me that the key to any lasting marriage is honesty, which is maybe true for, like, the Pilgrims, or any other archaic religious group that doesn’t believe in the real secret to marriage: passive aggressiveness. Also spite. Having a shared interest or hobby helps, too. But seriously, that last thing is impossible to…
When people learn of my vast and all-consuming love of sweets, they are often surprised to learn that dessert was largely absent from my childhood. My mother is not a baker, nor a lover of sweet things. There was, on occasion, a box or two of Pepperidge Farm Milano Cookies in the cabinet, but these…
Tales of Food, Feminism, and Fury
by Geraldine DeRuiter
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