Ask the Everywhereist: About Dating, Cake Balls, and Offshore Gambling
I AM THE PUPPET MASTER!
I am always amazed when people ask me for travel advice. I will often turn around to see precisely who they are talking to. Even if it’s in an email addressed to me, I’ll do a quick check over my shoulder just to make sure there isn’t someone better equipped to answer the question waiting there (as though Rick Steves is hiding in my office. Which would be equally horrifying and awesome).
I dispense my advice with some trepidation, reminding myself that these poor, misguided readers are under the impression that I know what I’m doing. And that they literally asked for it. The fools.
In this edition of Ask the Everywhereist, I once again present some of the questions I’ve received in my inbox lately, along with my feeble attempt at answers. Serves them right for thinking I was a reliable source of anything besides spite.
Dear Everywhereist,
Does your husband happen have any cute, single friends whose jobs require them to travel the way he does, and who have subsequently been unable to maintain a stable relationship, despite the fact that they are practically perfect in every way?
Signed,
Just Curious
Dear Curious,
He does, in fact, have a lovely friend who, for reasons I can’t discuss here, has been preoccupied with something for the last five to ten years which kept him behind bars unable to date. But he is now free and rather eager to meet a gal who shares his hobbies, which include ski masks, grand theft auto (not the video game), and aggravated assault (allegedly). Unfortunately, he cannot legally leave the state of Washington.
Actually, nevermind. I’m not introducing you two, since I’m pretty sure that would make me an accomplice.
Sincerely,
The Everywhereist
—————
Dear Everywhereist,
1) I haven’t seen you comment on the fad(?) of cupcake lollipops. Icing mixed with cake crumbs, then dipped. You can find recipes online.
2) Have you checked out “My Drunk Kitchen” on YouTube? Might be good for a Friday link.
Sincerely,
Dylan McKay
Dear Dylan,
1. Any recipe that begins with the destroying a perfectly good cake is a bad recipe. When you do that, YOU ARE MESSING WITH THE FRAGILE FABRIC OF OUR UNIVERSE. Cake and frosting live in harmony. Mixing the two is like crossing the streams. Never cross the streams, Dylan. Never.
2. Have I checked it out? I LIVE IT, Dylan. Every night. And twice on Thursdays (I never could get the hang of Thursdays).
Sincerely,
The Everywhereist
P.S. – The years have been kind.
—————
Dear Everywhereist,
I hope to become a blogger too one day, but I can’t figure out how to make a living from it. Are you able to generate any income from your blog?
Sincerely,
Starry-eyed Humanities Major
Dear Younger Iteration of the Everywhereist,
Unless you can derive sustenance from hate mail, blogging won’t even feed you. Instead, it will become a source of never-ending torment. You’ll spend hours trying to decipher comments from people YOU WILL NEVER MEET. You may cry when a total stranger criticizes your grammar. You’ll lose sleep. You may lose your friends. You’ll certainly lose a good portion of your sanity. And yet, you’ll keep going back to it again and again. It’s not unlike meth in that respect, though slightly less harsh on the teeth.
Sincerely,
Everywhereist
—————
Hi BLOG OWNER.
I have been reading your blog, INSERT BLOG NAME and would love to write a guest post for your site. Of course, it would be mutually beneficial. You would get free content and all I would ask for is several links to my offshore gambling site. I can have the post to you by the end of the week. Please let me know what you think.
Sincerely,
Monte
Dear Monte,
DIE. DIE. DIE.
Sincerely,
The Everywhereist
—————
Legal Disclaimer: The “Ask the Everywhereist” column is for amusement purposes only. The owner of this site assumes no responsibility if you take any of her advice seriously. She would actually advise you not to. Also, she really does caution you against cake balls, because she’s fairly certain eating one will cause a rift in the space-time continuum. Your first bite will be on earth, present day. Your second bite will not occur, because you will have been transformed into a 50-year-old math equation.
Leave a Comment