Father’s Day Cards for Broken People.

Father’s Day is always kind of tough for me. My dad lives in Germany, and has since before I can remember, so we don’t usually spend the holiday together. Normally, I just call him, and we have the sort of awkward exchange that only two people with virtually nothing in common – except for a ton of genetic material – can have.

I’ve considered sending him a card, but the ones from the store are woefully lacking. They all apply to dads who play golf, or can’t cook, or who really, really like to fish. Or they’re super saccharin, and I would never in a thousand years send something like that to my dad, because he’d think I’d lost my mind.

Unfortunately, though, there aren’t any cards that say “Thanks for putting me through college and not openly disputing my paternity.” Or, “Thanks for doing the best that you could, considering you don’t really like children.” Which is a problem, because sometimes that’s what you really want to say to your dad. So I made a few Father’s Day cards for the rest of us, whom Hallmark has forgotten.

Some of you may find these depressing. Or a little sad. Others will hopefully find them funny. They are for that last group.

And a shout-out to all the single moms out there:

Happy Father’s Day, Dad. It was nice hearing your voice today.