Goodreads Reviews I Left for Myself While Writing My Book
★★★
Idea Has Potential.
I don’t hate the idea of this book. It feels like the author (full disclosure: it me) doesn’t really have a clear idea of it, and instead of writing the book they keep getting distracted and reading about dysfunctional relationships on reddit. I keep calling it a “book proposal” even though it mostly consists of a bunch of post-its and random sentences scribbled on the back of Rite-Aid receipts, but it’s not … bad? It feels way better than the author’s other previous DNF post-it-note book ideas.
★★★½
A Vast Improvement!
I started writing on my computer?! (This makes the “proposal” as I insist on calling it, much easier to read). I had previously said that I “didn’t want to do that” because it was “too intimidating” which is a certifiably bonkers thing for a writer to say. You shouldn’t be afraid of the thing you need to do your job. It’s sort of like a sailor being afraid of the sea, except that’s too poetic, and the sea is terrifying. It’s more like a chef being afraid of spoons, or Thomas Kinkade being afraid of adorable cottages.
★★½
Goes Off Topic Very Easily
Okay, I thought this proposal was going somewhere but I spent the last three hours reading about Thomas Kinkade and it was a journey. Apparently a lot was happening behind those candlelit curtains. SPOILERS (about Thomas Kinkade) AHEAD…
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.
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Okay, Thomas Kinkade died about a decade ago, and he and his wife were separated at the time, and he was with his girlfriend of a year and a half when he died of an accidental overdose. His girlfriend then produced two disputed wills that claimed he was leaving her $10 million, refused to leave the house, and threatened to release private family photos and documents some of which supposedly included proprietary information about how he created his paintings. It was all eventually apparently settled and OMG I really need to be working.
★
JUST A BAG OF LITERARY BARF
I suck. Seriously. What am I even doing? Who would want to read this? Who do I think I am? The Thomas Kinkade of food writing? HA HA HA I WISH.
★★★★★★★★★★
GREATEST BOOK EVER WRITTEN (I JUST NEED TO WRITE IT)
My book sold at auction which means that I am a genius and it is a very good book even though I haven’t even written it yet and it’s just a proposal and a bunch of post-it notes and some Rite-Aid receipts, it does not matter and I should start writing it immediately and it’s going to take me THREE MONTHS, TOPS, and it’s going to win a Pulitzer and maybe a Nobel Prize for literature and OMG I need to get started on my acceptance speeches, really that’s what I should be working on because the book will take me two seconds to write on account of all my geniusness!!! THIS IS SO GREAT, CAN’T WAIT FOR THE SEQUEL WHICH I WILL ALSO WRITE IN LIKE TEN WEEKS.
(Posted ten minutes later …)
★½
I SUK
They made a mistake buying my book.
★★★
It’s All Gonna Be Okay
Just had a talk with my editor and I feel … okay? A little overwhelmed, like at the start of a new school year when you sign up for a class and you’re pretty sure you’re in over your head but it turns out to be okay. That’s where I am. I can do this. This book is going to be okay. I’m gonna start writing it tomorrow.
(Posted less than 24 hours later …)
⅛★
It’s a Garbage Pile of Words.
I’m going to go live in the woods.
Switching to Poo Emoji Instead of Stars
Apparently “living in the woods” is not an option when you have “contractual obligations that are tied to deliverables which must be received by a certain date” blah blah blah blah blah *long sustained fart noise* so I guess I have to write this book which is a steaming pile of <emoji>.
I’m just gonna start transcribing these post-its.
★★
Huh
These post-its aren’t that bad.
★★¾
Barely Started, But Book Tittle Keeps Changing
Okay so I finished the first chapter and it’s not my best work but maybe it’s okay? Note: Editor has requested I stop mailing her files titled CrapSTRAVAGANZApart1.doc.
★
Incomprehensible Plot; Unlikeable Main Character
THIS STORY MAKES NO SENSE. A protagonist is supposed to be happy when she gets what she wants. But instead she’s all mopey and whiney and, “I hate this and I hate my job and I’m sad when I’m not doing it and I’m pulling my hair and I don’t know what I am without this and this is the life that I dreamed of and I love it and I hate it,” I CANNOT STAND HER.
★★★★½
Parts of This Are Actually Beautiful.
I just wrote an essay and I don’t hate it and now my heart feels like it’s full of bees.
The following reviews have been removed due to content being similar/duplicates of already published reviews:
I Am a Raging Ball of Worthless Talent
This Book is Not As Terrible As I Thought
Why Does Anyone Love Me?
I Deserve An Oscar or a Pulitzer or Maybe a Nobel Prize (Peace or Literature, I’m not Picky)
★★★¾ or maybe ★★★★ or who knows, maybe even ★★★★½
This is Definitely a Book.
It is a book. And it’s … it’s good, damn it. But more importantly, it’s done, and that’s better than good. Because it doesn’t matter how great a book is if it never makes it out of your head. Anyway, this one did, and it’s kind of an amazing thing, and the author (SPOILER: that’s me, I’m the author!) should maybe be proud of herself even if saying that makes her skin feel like it’s made of ants. And she’s going to tell you to pre-order it, which also makes her feel uncomfortable, but here we are.
