There is something perversely wonderful about tonight, Jon Stewart’s last night on The Daily Show, coinciding with the Republican Presidential debates, of which Donald Trump is a front-runner.
Like, he’s actually the front-runner. That is a fact. There’s something like 28 people vying to be the Republican nominee (it’s starting to look like some weird, post-apocalyptic version of Hollywood Squares), and the two at the head of the pack are THE DONALD AND HIS HAIR.
According to Twitterverse, he’s done absolutely nothing to prepare for tonight:
Reports out of camp Trump say he has done no formal debate prep sessions, had no mock Q & A, and conducted no practice debates.
— Touré (@Toure) August 6, 2015
I’m not going to lie: that is one of the best things I’ve ever heard. Naturally, I’m going to be glued to my television.
But, Geraldine, you’re thinking, why just watch the Republican Party go up in hairspray-fueled flames, when you can watch the Republican Party go up in hairspray-fueled flames WHILE YOU ARE DRUNK?
And you, dear reader, are absolutely right. I’m fairly sure it’s written in the constitution that it is our duty as Americans to get absolutely shit-faced while watching D-level celebrities screaming about all the things they will do when they are King of America. Or, at least, it will be after Trump is elected Commander-in-Douche.
In my infinite spare time (because I’ve been unemployed since forever. THANKS A LOT, OBAMA), I’ve devised a way for all of us to get good and sloshed while watching the “debates.” Enjoy.
The Donald Trump Presidential Debate Drinking Game
(Note: I recommend starting with something that has a low alcohol level, like wine or beer. If you go straight for vodka, you will be incoherently drunk by the first commercial break.)
Rules of Play:
- Any time Trump puts an article before the name of an ethnic/underrepresented/historically oppressed or marginalized group (e.g., “The Jews,” “Those feminists”, “The Mexicans”), take a drink. You are exempt from doing so if you are part of said group.
- Take a sip any time Trump mentions his friend Carl, who he will send to “deal with China” (despite the fact that Carl has absolutely no international diplomatic experience, and China is a country of 1.4 billion people, and not a petulant toddler). If your name is Carl, you must leave the room until someone yells “EMBARGO OVER” and lets you return.
- If someone talks over Trump, on screen or in your home, you must all scream, “NEVER INTERRUPT THE DONALD.” Last person to do so must take a sip.
- Take a sip any time Trump displays a clear misunderstanding of parliamentary procedure, the electoral system, or which actions necessitate congressional approval.
- If Trump tells anyone to “shut up”, you must all remain silent until the next question or commercial break. If someone accidentally speaks before then, they must take a drink.
- If at any point Trump cusses, you must either take a drink or cuss.
- If any of the following occur – any mention of Trump’s hair, Trump touching his own mane, the camera zooming in on the gold nest that sits atop his head – you must scream “HAIR TO THE CHIEF!” Last person to do so must take a drink.
- If the phrase “The Donald” is used at any time, you must chug the rest of your drink.
- If Trump use the phrase “It’s time to tell those idiots in Washington that they’re fired!” then we’ve all won. Or lost. Whatever.
- Basically just drink. And then go watch Jon Stewart.