12 Things I’ve Never Said Regarding Air Travel

The other day, Rand and I were talking to one another, which is something we do when we aren’t sleeping, eating, or staring mindlessly at our keyboards (Yup. Our lives are full of romance. ENVY US). I can’t seem to retrace the steps of the conversation to how we got where we did, but at one point, I said one of those crazy, unprecendented statements that causes everyone to pause and reflect on how weird the discussion has become.

It was not precisely this, but something like it:

“I’m just saying, it’s hard to watch the ballet of manhood that is NFL football and not objectify the players like cheap pieces of meat.”

At which point my husband stared blankly at me and said, “I don’t think that combination of words has been uttered together before by anyone.”

This got me to thinking about other combinations of words that had never been uttered together – at least, not in certain contexts. Like, all the seemingly not-that-unusual combinations of words that I have never, ever said in relation to commercial flying. I’ve never commented on how I well prepared I was for a trip. Or how my in-flight magazine was positively riveting. In fact, I was able to come up with a whole boatload of expressions that never left my mouth when talking about air travel:

1. Oh, thank goodness. I have the middle seat! I LOVE THE MIDDLE SEAT.
2. Man, this food is delicious.
   

   It tasted better after I seasoned it with the salt of my tears.

   –

3. These security measures are so darn efficient.
4. That TSA agent was as gentle as she was attractive. (Note: I can actually see how this could be said, albeit not in a complimentary way).
   

   Rand getting gently caressed.

   –

5. The stranger who is seated next to me is being incredibly respectful of my personal space.
6. He also smells wonderful.
7. Aww, did you see all the wonderful people who jumped up to help that woman place her bag in the overhead compartment? Humanity is great.
8. I love flying. We should do MORE of it.
9. You know, they really give you TOO much legroom.
10. I can’t believe how little we paid for these tickets.
11. I think wearing just socks to the airplane lavatory is a great idea!
12. Yay! We landed early AND we have a gate!

I know, I know. I probably sound like a spoiled brat. Hell, I AM a spoiled brat. I have it easy. I get to travel the world, and I get to do it with him:

–

He always helps me with my bag. He always offers to take the middle seat. And he smells really, really good. My life is pretty charmed. I can’t complain. In fact, I’ll never whine about air travel again!

Actually, no, that’s not true. Never complain about air travel again? I … I really can’t believe I said that.