Dick Move, Underwear Bomber

Dude, I’m know this is a little late, and that everyone has probably already said this before, but seriously: DICK MOVE, Underwear Bomber. Besides the obvious reasons (duh, killing thousands of people and being a fanatic asshole is LAME), you also made it seriously inconvenient to fly back to the states. Which I realize isn’t really that big a crime in light of all the other you shit you tried to do, but since it was the only thing you succeeded in accomplishing, besides burning the shit out of your legs, I’m going to bitch about it.

In addition to having to check our luggage (we could each only bring one bag on the flight – weak) and having a momentary freak out that our duty-free scotch was going to get confiscated (it wasn’t, but still – WEAK), we now have to go through yet another round of security screening before getting on the plane.

First, they searched our bags:

Rand acts like he doesn't know where all those condoms and nudie mags came from.

Then we got patted down/groped:

Oh, don't pretend you don't like it.

–

"You have very firm thighs, Mr. Fishkin."

Now, I realize the agents are just doing their jobs. But this is a vain and reactionary attempt to what was a very legitimate and horrifying threat. And it doesn’t exactly do anything, except maybe scare some other assholes into not putting a bomb in their underwear, which really they shouldn’t be doing anyway BECAUSE PUTTING BOMBS IN YOUR OWN CROTCH IS JUST BAD SENSE. I can’t believe that I still have to explain this sort of shit, because it should be as obvious as not sticking your keys in an electrical outlet or feeding a mogwai after midnight, but here it goes again: WHATEVER YOUR RELIGIOUS VIEWS, USING EXPLOSIVE UNDERWEAR TO KILL PEOPLE IS NOT WHAT ANY GOD INTENDED.

I am one-hundred percent sure of this.

But you, clearly, were unaware of this maxim, underwear bomber, and now it takes even longer to get to through security when coming back to the U.S.  I hope that dishy Dutch guy who stopped you from killing everyone over Detroit also had the presence of mind to slap you a little bit silly while he was at it.

Because, seriously? DICK MOVE, Underwear bomber.

Sincerely,

The Everywhereist

P.S. – If this shit happens, I will NOT be happy.